I See

   I wrote this in 2004. I had a great job, everything I wanted, but I felt empty deep inside. Then after a year of not remembering my dreams, I felt enlightened as if the blindfold had been removed from my eyes and this is how I felt.

 

 

As I swim in the fantasy ocean that I have created for my own pleasures,

I soak up a few realities that people dump in

when hopelessness has conquered their lives.

 

 

 

Deceived by my own heart

I don't know if to call this power a blessing or a curse,

since foreseeing the future has been my destiny.

 

 

 

Sometimes, I believe myself to be immortal

with many aches and pains that the dry waves from my ocean have caused,

wounding but not killing me.

 

 

 

Closing my eyes is how I try not to see what is coming next,

but this supernatural force is bigger than what I can handle

and the scenes play vividly in my head,

confirming that hallucinations will soon become tangible,

so there is nothing I could do,

except sit back and enjoy the show.

 

 

 

Not only dreams haunt me throughout the nights

saturating my pores,

yet visions follow and taunt me in the days

stirring great anxiety in my soul.

 

 

 

With eyes wide open I look up into the man made blurry water

hoping to be a good fisherman's catch,

therefore relieving me from this torment

that others see as a light of Faith.

 

 



Grind

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Blah

Thoughts blah blah huh blah
Feelings blah eh blah blah
Broken Heart ouch blah blah
Good Sex ha ha, blaaaaaah
Troubles blah ah blah blah
Happiness ? blah blah blah
Words Unspoken blah blah blah
Patience BBLLAAAH
Love blah blah what? blah blah blah
Hurt yup yup blah blah
Satisfaction mmm...blah blah
Success bling blah
Craziness cuckoo blah
Lament blah weep blah
Gossip blah blah  hehe blah blah blah blah
Cause & Effect blah oops blah
God blah hmmm blah blah
Others blaahhh
Manipulation blah tisk tisk blah
Content blah weeeee blah
Poor Faith blah oooooh blah
No Escape blah pfft blah
Life blah AHA!

All Woman: Part I

As I sit out on my steps with a screwdriver and a cheap cigar...Oh my...

I reminisce on all of this and step by step all the memories come alive

with each sip, a smirk comes upon my face because it wasn't bad at all.

I was sensing and getting the feel of what everything would be like

or so I thought.

I was so naive and in my lonely quietness I laugh remembering  when I

Thought it was the end and that I couldn't go through it anymore.

Yet, here I am today, all wise, all essence, all woman.

At one point I wanted to run away from it all, but the smallest part of me

who knew better kept me on my bare feet touching the ground.

So what Have I learned?

I have learned to say goodbye to the "little black book"

and hello to "only me".

This sensation of being new and powerful is so delicious that it brings

a great feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment.

So here I am a great woman, superwoman I am now!

All wise, all essence, all woman.

I know it intimidates the opposite sex, but whoever is intimidated

does not deserve it.

I love it and I am not willing to change it and that is why you like me.

You like me because I am stronger than what you thought I would be.

And your doubts are what keep me stronger and more open to new

experiences and opportunities,

I am all wise, all essence, all woman...

 

 



Prayer

Searching in the heavens and the depths of my heart for a peace that has been promised to me, but can not find. I become vulnerable in Your presence and I fall down to my knees in prayer thinking may be this time You will grant me what I want. I don't think You are listening to my request as You turn Your face from mine. Yes, I am claiming divine attention with my arms up in the air, waiting for You to pour Your Grace over my disgraceful vessel. Hear me out, I tell You, hear me out! Where are You my Lord? Can't You see that I have grown weary and hopeless running behind a purpose that doesn't let me focus because it is quickly gone out of sight. I am thirsty. Give me Your Mercy. I am hungry. Feed me Your Word. Lift me up and hold me tight. Stretch out your hand and reach for me as I fall. Guide me in Your Way...

Can Not Stop

  

   Taking a drag that will sure intoxicate my lungs, I place the tip of the black permanent marker on my old and dirty wall that dare calls herself part of my room. As soon as the two of them connect the love making starts and they can not stop. He smoothly traces her as always and she lets him lie because it makes her feel alive. Sweet talking her, he tells her everything she wants to hear and she takes it all in as if it was the first and last time they will be together.

 I want to interrupt because I know what she feels, yet I am trapped in the moment as much as she is. His words begin to convince me also, but since he is not talking to me I can sip my scotch and escape the trance he has forged and I take another drag. I hold him back and tell him to analyze the situation, the hurt he causes her, the fantasy that he builds and the tears that will come. She looks at me as begging for me to let him continue and they unite again. Their passion is greater than any energy I have ever experienced, so I am pulled back into their sick game. I hold him, he touches her whispering the perfect lines as she cries from mixed emotions that she allows to consume her. We can not stop. He is the criminal, she is the victim. I am the witness, the accomplice and the traitor that brings him back to her.

After half of the scotch is gone I tell him that I have to depart. I can not stop them but I can sure delay this madness that I have created. He begs for me not to let go, she becomes cold as ice and I grow weak. I drop him, she closes her eyes falling asleep with deep sadness. I light up another cigarette. Taking my glass, I lay down reading her over and over until I drift off to a dream, numb, empty and real.